ST. CHARLES ANGEL CHOIR TO PERFORM AT NEXT YEAR'S SUPER BOWL
Following national outcry over the "crass and vulgar" content of the MTV-produced half-time entertainment at this year's Super Bowl, both the NFL and the CBS network have promised "family friendly" and "wholesome" performances at the 2005 championship game. The next half-time show will be an intriguing mix of old and new talent, including reunion performances by the cast of "Up with People" and alumni from "The Lawrence Welk Show," as well as a new generation of Von Trapp Family Singers and the St. Charles Angel Choir. The St. Charles group, made up of 5 to 10 year olds, was thrilled to receive an invitation, said parish music director Natalie Le. She noted that the choir will sing at many more weekend Masses throughout the year in preparation for the Super Bowl, although that will force cantors and the folk group to give up their Sunday morning gigs. No word yet on what number the Angel Choir will sing at the Super Bowl, but many have already expressed hope that the youngsters will do their signature dance club extended play version of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," which is usually performed with hand gestures, eye-rolling, and off-beat clapping from the congregation.

NAMING RIGHTS SOLD FOR NEW COMMUNITY CENTER
The St. Charles Parish Council announced yesterday that lifestyle guru and convicted felon Martha Stewart has withdrawn her winning $3.5 million bid to name the new parish center campus the Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Institute for the Domestic and Spiritual Arts. The council then awarded the naming rights to the second highest bidder, whose offer came in at $225. The building will now be known as St. George's Episcopal Community Center at St. Charles.

In related news, Sister "Hard Hat" Benedict is now hoping to break ground this summer for her latest pet construction project: a new parking tower where the children's playground is currently located. "I'm also looking to set up a deal with Capital Valet Parking, so that we have parking facilities suitable for those using our new community center," she said, adding that she sees no reason why parish children couldn't play at Petco next door. However, Sister had no comment when asked if it was true that she is planning a new capital campaign to finance an underground walkway from her residence at St. Charles to the Clarendon metro stop, which is rumored to include an all-weather bike track for Fr. Mendez..

NEW VATICAN REPORT: NO WMDs FOUND AT ST. CHARLES
A team of Vatican inspectors turned up no visual evidence of WMDs (White Male Deacons) at St. Charles, Arlington Bishop Paul Loverde announced last week. Reports of WMDs at Mass were prevalent in the 1990s noted the report's author, Cardinal Number, but changes in assignments, availability, and other issues have rendered WMDs difficult to locate. However, the inspectors did find evidence of STDs (Students Training to be Deacons). Although the number of STDs identified has not yet reached epidemic proportions, the report noted that this may be due to efforts to eradicate some types of STDs. It was also observed that STDs have not been found anywhere in the diocese's female population, but there are signs that they are festering and flourishing in male environments.

Today's News:

Creedon's Passion
A movie about Fr. Creedon's final 12 hours on a golf course.

Same-Sex Baptisms at St. Charles
High lead levels in the water add to the controversy.

Easter Movie Reviews
Get a Catholic perspective before you jeopardize your soul at the video store.

Looking Mitre Fine
Forget bonnets—this Easter it's the mitre.

Fabulous Fabergé Eggs
Celebrate Easter richly and quickly.

This Just In...
Angel Choir at Super Bowl, naming rights and the search for WMDs.

Top 10 List and Poll
Things St. Charles parishioners are giving up for Lent this year.