SAME-SEX BAPTISMS CONTINUE AT ST. CHARLES
Diocese Says Lead in Water of Local Baptismal Fonts "Not a Problem"

St. Charles priests regularly conduct same-sex baptisms it was revealed this week, as Christening Season gets under way and there is renewed concern about the lead content in water used to perform the rite. Following a surge of infants competing for prime Saturday morning baptism time slots this spring, the frequency of same-sex baptisms has not gone unnoticed. "Last weekend, I baptized Chris, Pat and Sandy, who were all the same sex," said associate pastor Father Mendez. Although the Vatican has taken a strong position opposing same-sex marriage, it has not made a formal determination on the potentially explosive issue of same-sex baptisms. "We'll have to do a thorough review of Scripture and canon law before making a decision on this," wrote Cardinal Ratslinger, head of the Office of Holy Cow! Issues, in a text message on his Palm Sunday Pilot personal digital assistant. In the meantime, Jamie and Shaun Smith, proud parents of six-week old Casey, and Madison and Kennedy Jones, parents to Taylor, two months, are booked for next Saturday.

Of greater concern to most parishioners, however, is the level of lead in the Arlington water supply. While not as high as the lead content in Washington, DC, water, Arlington water could knock an infant unconscious during a baptism should a chunk of lead emerge from the pitcher of holy water. A spokesman for the Arlington diocese told parents there was no cause for alarm now that local priests have been instructed in the Cana Filtration Process (CFP), whereby ordinary tap water is changed into a delicious, full-bodied wine and then transformed into holy water. "We don't know why exactly," mused the spokesman, "but in CFP the lead content just disappears as the liquid changes properties. We're looking into ways to have a similar effect in removing nuts and raisins from baked bread in the creation of communion wafers."

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