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AREA PRIESTS ADOPT NEW "RAPPER" NAMES TO CONNECT WITH YOUTH
To compete with popular school principal Sistah B, who already has a cool rap
name popular with the kids, the parish priests of St. Charles announced the following
name changes, effective immediately.
- Fr. Gerry Creedon is now "G Daddy"
- Fr. Francisco Mendez is "F Mendy", parochial vicar
- Fr. Chuck McCoart, however, will continue to be referred to as "You Know, That
Other Priest--The Young One."
LATE NIGHT HOLY WARS HEAT UP
Church makes bid for David Letterman. Full story.
INTERFAITH EVENT WITH PAGANS/HEATHENS IS A SUCCESS
The Catholic interfaith dialogue continued last weekend when members of St. Charles met with the
Falls Church Cult of Zeus & Apollo for getting-to-know-you games, a potluck dinner and a ritualistic slaughter of a goat (donated).
In a joint statement released after the event, the two faiths agreed that "we are all gods'/God's children." The event's sponsors were
so pleased by the success that they feel confident they can approach the Leesburg Southern Baptists for a casual summertime mixer.
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PROLIFE SURVEY RESULTS SHOW UNANIMOUS PARISH VIEWS
100% of area parishioners are strongly opposed to the death penalty...for themselves, should
they ever be charged with a capital offense. Opinions, however, are mixed under other scenarios.
CELL PHONE CONFESSIONS DISCONTINUED AFTER POLITICAL MIX UP
Parishioners can no longer phone it in when it comes to reconociliation at St. Charles. Full story.
AREA DIOCESE BANS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME
In a bold move against the growing practice among some Catholics of following so-called Daylight Savings Time,
one nearby diocese has banned its use. Spokesman Fr. Thyme explained, "The Book of Genesis clearly states that God created the world in seven days, but
no where does it say God needed an extra hour of sunlight." Furthermore, he added, the heavens were created during Standard Time and not during any special other time
that many self-appointed experts would suggest. Starting immediately, all Mass schedules must be set according to Standard Time. In a conciliatory gesture, the spokeman
suggested that he would be willing to turn back the clock on some issues, but never ahead.
ANOTHER PLAGIARISM SCANDAL ROCKS PUBLISHING WORLD
First the historians and now the Gospel writers? St. Mark's Press threatened a lawsuit against Matthew the Evangelist for copying entire passages of the "Gospel According to Mark" without
footnotes or attributions. St. Mark's lawyer said, "Look for yourself. The same themes and events appear in both versions, yet my client's book was clearly written years before Matt's came out." A
spokewoman for Matthew's publishing house said it was an honest mistake. "Jeez, we get a lot of holy manuscripts in here and sometimes it's hard to keep them straight, particularly those scrolls made
with the cheap papyrus favored by St. Mark's associates."
NEIGHBORHOOD F CLARIFICATION
There seems to be some confusion over the new Neighborhood F slogan that
Fr. Creedon asked the congregation to chant last week. It's "We're F and
large!" What seems to be the problem that's causing so many of you to email us?
This is the biggest Neighborhood in the parish after all.
ARTFUL ANDERSEN FIRM BLAMED FOR INACCURATE FORECASTS OF COMMUNITY CENTER COSTS
The accounting firm of Artful Andersen is to blame for the low-ball initial projections of the cost of the St. Charles
community center, which are now more than double what was forecasted a few years ago. A spokesmodel for the firm acknowledged that they grossly
underestimated the amount of money required. "We learned our lesson. As a result, for the past few years we've made an effort to grossly overstate
projected revenue for all the other firms we've worked for."
The St. Charles Community Center faces other obstacles in light of the Vatican's recently-passed legislation on Capital Campaign Finance Reform. Unregulated spaghetti dinners
and second collections will attract additional scrutiny.
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