The St. Charles Community Reaches Out

The Circle of Caring is one way the St. Charles community reaches out to those in need.  Although I am the Coordinator of the Circle of Caring, I don't consider what I do as something personal; I and the more than 60 Circle of Caring volunteers do it on behalf of the entire St. Charles community.

The Circle provides a wide range of services to the people of St. Charles, including visiting and bringing the Eucharist to the homebound, sending cards each month to the homebound, praying for those in need (through our electronic and calling prayer trees), helping families plan funeral liturgies, supporting retreats for the seriously ill, and responding to other needs as they arise.  These services are described in greater detail in the "Circle of Caring Brochure" and on the St. Charles Website, http://www.stcharleschurch.org/ministry/circle.htm .

The service of the Circle of Caring on which I focus today is being a spiritual companion for people who are dying, especially in light of the Easter message.

Companions To The Dying

A few years ago, St. Charles piloted a new program that had been funded by the Johnson Foundation.  It was a program to train people to be spiritual companions for others who were dying.  Over a 13-week period about ten of us became familiar with the fears and needs of people who are in the final stages of this life and how we could accompany them on their journey.  We combined that secular training with reflections from scripture and theology on life and death.  Since then, it has been my privilege to accompany several people on their journey from this life, through death, into a new life.  I did this not as an individual but as a representative of the entire St. Charles community.

Our journeys with the dying might last many months or even years, or they might be short, lasting only a few days or weeks.  The latter case usually occurs when the individual or family either does not know about the Circle of Caring or does not want to impose on us until the very end.  We have to do a better job of inviting people to contact us earlier so we can be of assistance not only to the dying person but also to the family during these difficult times.

The spiritual companion serves three functions: to listen, to journey, and to witness.  Sometimes, there is not clear line between the three categories.

Listen

We are told that one need of the dying person is to tell their life story.  They want to be sure that it does not get lost or that they will not be forgotten.  Sometimes they just like to reminisce.  So, we listen to their life stories; we get to know them and their families.  But we also listen to learn of other needs they might have.  For example, on one visit to a woman with whom I walked for many months, it was clear that she was in a lot of pain.  She happened to mention that her heating pad had broken the previous day.  Hearing that, I hopped in my car, drove to a nearby drug store, and got her a new heating pad.  On another occasion, when I was visiting a different woman, I noticed that she kept smacking her lips.  When I asked her about that, she said they were very dry and she had run out of chapstick.  Again, I hopped in my car, drove to a drug store, and got her some chapstick.  As we listen, we form a bond with the dying person and family members and in the process come to understand better where they are coming from and what needs they have.

When listening, my antennae are up for four kinds of needs : physical, practical, psychological, and spiritual.  I've already cited two examples of physical needs that were easy to deal with.  Another example of a physical need was a man who had slid way down in his hospital bed.  It was  more than a day before the health care worker was scheduled to return.  His daughter was unable to move him by herself.  Having seen how hospice nurses move patients, I was able to help the daughter raise him in the bed and move him into a more comfortable position.

My listening for practical needs usually focuses on making sure that the dying person has executed three critical documents: a will, a medical power of attorney (sometimes called a health directive), and a durable power of attorney.  I never ask about the details or contents of the documents, only if they exist. If they do not exist, I offer the names of lawyers who will come to the person's home to prepare the documents.  I am surprised by the number of people who avoid executing these documents (perhaps because they force us to confront our own mortality) but it is only fair to the individual and to the family to ask it they exist.  The will allows the person, and not some judge who does not know the person, to decide how s/he want her/his possessions distributed.  The medical power of attorney is needed because at some point the dying person might not be able to make health decisions for themselves.  The medical power of attorney allows the dying person to appoint someone else to act in their place on health issues.  Likewise, at some point the dying person might not be able to manage their own finances and other matters (such as a decision about selling a car or a house).  The durable power of attorney allows the dying person to appoint someone to act in their place in financial and legal matters other than health issues.  All three are important documents. 

The approach of death sometimes surfaces psychological needs .  It is not unusual for a dying person to talk about fears, regrets, or other concerns.  I am not a psychologist, nor do I pretend to act as one, but I have found that sometimes there is a fine line between psychological and spiritual needs.  For example, one man who had a strong faith told me that he had not always lived that faith in his business life.  He was concerned that some of the things he had done in business had alienated him from God.  (Where is the line between psychological and spiritual in that case?)  We talked for a while about that, and the next time I visited him I brought these quotes from St. Paul:

Both Jew and pagan sinned and forfeited God's glory, and both are justified through the free gift of his grace by being redeemed in Christ Jesus who was appointed by God to sacrifice his life so as to win reconciliation through faith... (Romans 3:24) Jesus has offered one single sacrifice for sins, and then taken his place forever at the right hand of God ... By virtue of that one single offering, he has achieved the eternal perfection of all whom he is sanctifying... When all sins have been forgiven, there can be no more sin offerings.  (Hebrews 10:12-18)

These passages gave us a lot to talk about, starting with the Easter mysteries and how it is impossible for us to fathom the extent of God's love for us that he would sacrifice his only son for the forgiveness of our sins.  It is also difficult for us to understand how Jesus' death 2000 years ago atoned for sins we might have committed yesterday or two decades ago.  It also is beyond our understanding how Jesus' resurrection opened the gates of heaven to us.  Regardless of the time of year when this discussion happens, it is the message of the Easter mystery.  That man eventually asked that a priest visit him for Reconciliation.  He was also nourished by the Eucharist.

As I talk with the dying person, I listen for spiritual needs they might express.  I have found that most dying people become more aware than most of us of their spiritual needs . They welcome the daily or Sunday scripture readings that I bring them.  They are comforted by the offer to pray with them, for their own healing, for family members, and for any other concerns they raise while we are talking.

I cannot ever recall a dying person who has refused the offer of receiving the Eucharist.  What a blessing it is for me to be able to bring them this perfect gift.  For, it is in the Eucharist that we are joined physically as well as spiritually with Christ in the most perfect union possible in this life.  Many dying people take time after receiving the Eucharist to "talk" with Jesus as he makes his way through their bodies.  It is a special privilege to sit with them for this part of their journey.  At other times, the dying person might ask that a priest visit for the sacrament of Reconciliation or the Anointing of the Sick.

Journey

We are all on a journey throughout our lives.  From the time we are born, we journey through this life and through death into a new life.  (It is not coincidental that the book we use for funeral liturgy planning is called "Through Death to Life" by Fr. Joseph Champlin.)  The spiritual companion joins the dying person on the final stages of his/her journey in this life.  Sometimes the person will acknowledge that they are dying; other times, they are reluctant to acknowledge that until the very end.  In either case, the companion is there to accompany, encourage, and support the dying person.

Because the Circle of Caring is a service of St. Charles, all of the people I have journeyed with have been Catholics.  Most had strong faith and welcomed the opportunities we had to pray together and to receive the Eucharist.  Most derived great strength from their belief that they could look forward to a new life with God.  For some, the final journey became a time for reconciliation and a renewed commitment to their relationship with God.

This stage of one's journey tends to be a time to reflect on the life we have led.  It is also a time to contemplate what remaining things we would like to accomplish.  That list often includes patching up relationships.  It is an opportunity for the dying person and also for family members and friends.  I have found that there are a few themes that often arise at this time, things that people want to say to their loved ones.  They are described in a small pamphlet that we give to families,  "Five Important Things To Say."    They include: thank you, I love you, I'll never forget, I'm sorry, and I forgive you.
As we journey with the dying person and their family, there's no way to predict what we might encounter.  Isn't that a characteristic of all journeys?  Some experiences have strengthened my faith.  Others have offered wonderful opportunities to help out.  For example, one woman expressed a concern that her divorce several years earlier was responsible for one of her children, now an adult, being alienated from her.  As we talked more about that over time, I learned that the child was scheduled to visit her for the weekend.  I asked if I could meet the child.  She agreed, and over time we got to know each other.  There were several visits with that child over the months I was with that family.  It appeared to me that there was a touching affection between the mother and the child.  At one point, I verbalized that observation and brought the following reading to share with them:

God's love for us was revealed when God sent into the world his only Son so that we could have life through him; this is the love I mean: not our love for God, but God's love for us when he sent his Son to be the sacrifice that takes our sins away…. We ourselves saw and we testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him, and he in God…. God is love and anyone who lives in love lives in God, and God lives in him. (1 John 4:9-16)

They came to realize the love that they had for each other and how that was a small reflection of the love God has for us.  In effect, they were helping God live in each other.  That realization played a small part in the reconciliation that took place between them before the woman died.

You never know where the journey will take you.  All you can do is listen, pray, and respond.

Witness

Walking with a person who is dying provides many opportunities for the companion and for the dying person to witness to the essential principles of our faith, especially elements of the Easter mystery.  I have found that there are a few themes that occur frequently.  They are: faith, hope, love, the Our Father, Eucharist, and community,

Once a person acknowledges they are dying, they often turn to their faith for meaning in what they are experiencing.  Some (mostly pre-Vatican Catholics) have reached back to the faith of their childhoods.  They acknowledge God as their creator and savior.  They want to talk about how faith is informing their lives now, perhaps like it has not done until this point.  They seem to take comfort in hearing and reflecting on the daily or weekly scriptures even if they have not been accustomed to reading the bible regularly.

While some of the dying persons I have known have been afraid of what they face spiritually, most had a strong sense of hope : hope in a loving and forgiving God and hope in life after death.  These are the Easter mysteries, and while they might not always be expressed that way, they demonstrate an understanding of the gift they are to us.  Sometimes that understanding is made explicit.  One woman was in the final stages of her journey during Holy Week.  She could not wait to receive the Eucharist on Holy Thursday and remember how Christ had left himself to us in this mystery.  She was grateful to be able to reflect on Christ's suffering and death on our behalf on Good Friday.  She felt the emptiness of Holy Saturday and rejoiced in the Resurrection on Easter morning and the new life that promised to her.

Most of us are aware of the words of St. Paul, that there are three things -- faith, hope, and love -- and the greatest of these is love . It is sometimes difficult for the dying person to focus on love, especially in the face of great pain, or concerns over broken relationships.  However, I have rarely lacked the opportunity to point out many acts of love shown by the dying person (e.g., in all they have done for their family, and in their continuing concern for their family and their desire to protect them from the pain of death) and by those around that person (e.g., children who put their lives on hold to care for the parent, or neighbors who constantly bring food or stop by to see how they can help, or people from the St. Charles community who offer prayers and send cards).  To me, this is one of the strongest comforts we can have in our final days.  As St. John tells us (above), God is love.  If love (God) is our destiny after death, then the more love we have in our lives here, the better prepared we will be to exist forever in the company of love.  It is very reassuring for the dying person to hear this and then to witness the many expressions of love that surround them each day.

Almost all dying people that I have known have welcomed the opportunity to pray; it is another way that they and I have witnessed to each other.  We sometimes start by recalling that Jesus told us: "Wherever two or more are gathered in my name, I am in their midst."  So, we place ourselves in Jesus' presence and we pray the Our Father , the prayer Jesus taught us to pray.  Not only is this the perfect prayer, but everyone knows it by heart.  Several have recited it with me just hours before they have died.

The Eucharist is a great source of comfort to the dying and an opportunity for them to witness to their belief in Jesus and the redemption and new life he has won for us.  This is the closest we can get to Jesus in this life.  It is a time for us to welcome him, not just figuratively but physically and spiritually into our lives.  It is often a time of special grace for the dying person, a break from the work of dying and a time to be with the one with whom you hope to live for eternity.  At times, you can see a physical change in the breathing and facial expressions of the dying person after receiving Communion.

Perhaps not quite as consistent but nevertheless a theme that I have seen is the idea of community .  In telling their life story, the dying persons often mention themselves in the context of one or more community.  Sometimes it is the community of St. Charles parish.  Other times it is the community of their family.  Yet other times it is the community of the workplace where they spent so much time.  It is an honor for me to be able to say that, even though I am one person, I represent the entire community of St. Charles.  Besides my presence, there are dozens of parishioners who are praying for the dying person and there are many who stand ready to help them and their family in any way possible.  On occasion, this can lead to a discussion of the Communion of Saints, especially in the context of family members who have already taken their place in God's kingdom and are waiting to greet the dying person.

Helping Families With Funeral Planning

The help that St. Charles provides to the dying person does not stop with their death.  In most cases, we would already have gotten to know one or more members of the family.  We reach out to help them, also, during these difficult times.  We recognize that the funeral liturgy is one way that families can pay final tribute to the deceased, so we help them in planning the funeral liturgy.  We guide them in the selection of the readings and hymns.  We talk to them about how the funeral liturgy is an expression of our faith in the Easter mystery, especially the resurrection.  We help them write Prayers of the Faithful that are appropriate for their loved one and their family and friends.  We ask if they have people who would like to serve as readers, prayer leaders, and gift bearers.  We ask if they plan to have a reception following the funeral and if they would like to use the St. Charles facilities. 

This time also provides us with an opportunity to remind the family how important it is to allow themselves to grieve the loss of their loved one.  Sometimes we point out that in our culture we are not taught how to grieve or the importance of it.  We have developed a small pamphlet,  "The Five Stages of Grieving," that we give to the family members to remind them of some of the emotions they will be experiencing for the next year or more.  We stay in touch with the family for about a year by sending them cards on the quarterly anniversary of the death of their loved one.

Becoming a Spiritual Companion For The Dying

St. Charles does not have a regularly scheduled program for training people to become spiritual companions for the dying.  If anyone is interested in serving in this capacity, we will offer a streamlined version of the program that was offered in 2004.  But as important as that training program is, it is even more important that the individual prepare themselves for this service.  Central to that preparation is regular reading of scripture (especially the New Testament), prayer, reflection on the meaning of life, and frequent reception of the Eucharist.

For those who are interested in considering this, we have prepared a pamphlet, "A Journey of Love," that describes the Companion program.  Additional information can be gotten by writing to me at pdirr@cox.net .

I have often wondered what it must be like to face death without the comfort we derive from our faith in the redemption we have received through Jesus, and the promise of eternal life that he won for us with his Resurrection.  It is hard for me to fathom what dying would be like without the hope we receive from that Easter mystery.  Because of that faith it is a joy and a privilege to be able to be a companion to others in the final stages of their journey in this life and their passage into a new life.