Whenever we suffer a great loss (the death of a loved one, loss of a job, end of a marriage, etc.) we grieve that loss. For some, the grieving process is long and tortuous. For most, it lasts 6 to 24 months.

It is helpful to be aware of the grieving process. At times, that awareness can help to explain our behavior.

In the 1960s, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a medical doctor and psychiatrist discovered that there are five stages of grieving that we go through. There is no way to short-circuit this process. Those who are able to recognize the stages are better able to deal with them, especially if they have the help and support of those around them.

This brief explanation of the five stages of grieving is taken from many sources. Dr. Kubler-Ross's Web site ( http://www.elisabethkublerross.com ) has links to many valuable sources of additional information.

1. Denial and Isolation: The first reaction is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

3. Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If only we had sought medical attention sooner. If we got a second opinion from another doctor. If we changed our pet's diet, maybe it will get well. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression: Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance: Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.